June 5th 2025: I’ve been in therapy for almost 5 years for multiple reasons, but the latest revelation is that I have no self-worth and apparently it’s not easy to find within self.

To sit and stare at my therapist, Dr. Jay and in my mind battle back and forth with what has taken 5 years to surface is a peculiar thing. He knows me well and digs anytime I use humor to deflect the uncomfortable which happens often. He asked if I could try to forgive myself and I smile wide the moment I think about it. Not because I’m happy or find it funny, but my defense mechanism kicks in. He then asks why I refused to acknowledge it seeing me turn off the emotions building with in me. The moment I feel the tears start to build, that’s what I do, but feeling and letting the emotions out is the best way for me to heal. I know this to be true and yet I’m stuck in a loop of self-loathing.

This time it’s not about parental issues or the many times I’ve dealt with mental and physical abuse I can peg onto others, it’s me. I’m the abuser of self. There is no easy way around this so I must go through. I suppose the start of the healing process is to at least admit it and do my best to find my way to forgiveness.

How does one find forgiveness from within for the life I have led? My thoughts always go to the fact that I should have known better or I let certain things happen. All to leave for another day, I suppose. Until next time…

June 8, 2025: Sitting at a gate at the Albany International Airport waiting for my boss and plane to arrive. Heading to Vegas for the second time to attend the CCW conference for work. While sitting here my thoughts continue to fall towards what my chin is doing (doubling, trippling) and my stomach can people see that hideous bowl of jelly? I have to catch myself multiple times on these thoughts. That’s generally what always happens when I am out in public. WHY DO I CARE SO GODDAMN MUCH ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK? At the same time, I think these things so of course others would too, right? Actually…no. The majority of people don’t care about me at all. I’m not even on their radar. It’s all in my head, a distorted idea of self worthlessness. I acknowledge it and move on to the next thing. Until next time…